rickmemoirs

LIFE and Death

2007-09-11T02:41:00.000-07:00

Recently, I haven't really had any deep thoughts and although I like to talk about my past...I haven't had the time.

But, today isn't like the rest of them as I remember 9/11.

Today's weather in Kiev, Ukraine is almost exactly how it was in Wisconsin on that day 6 years ago. I feel like America has "moved on" from this event and doesn't really care anymore about our security - except for maybe the President and a few others...

I know we are a big country with a lot of issues and things to keep us busy, but taking the time to remember the feeling, attitudes, and even "the hate" of others towards us is important for our peace. America seems like a big gentle bear...that just wants to take care of the rest of the "cubs" or "countries" of the world, but the rest of the World is really "hunters" looking for a kill shot. The rest of the world is aiming for the destruction of this bear because they see it as a threat and not an ally. When I say, "rest of the world" - I do almost mean everyone because their is still very few that don't under their breathe not curse us - but we still have some friends that come to us for protection and wealth.

I, probably like a lot of Americans, probably wish we could just be "left alone" from all the world and their hatred, or bombs, or jealousy. Of course, we NEED the rest of the world and that's why we try to help other countries out of poverty and despair, but there are few that see us that way, though we GIVE the most MONEY and help (personal) to the whole world, more than any other country...bottom line.

I think about the hate coming from Russia, and the "Russian-mindset" in Ukraine...and I am so amazed at the ignorance....and I still don't understand the drive that makes Russia want to control the world and destroy lives. But, whatever, that's me...

It probably is easy as learning that Evolution is the reason for Humans...so the "strongest survive" and kill others...to become stronger. Or that God isn't real, alive, or involved in this world. The Russians have stopped allowing foreign countries to adopt kids, when their nation has thousands and thousands of street children and kids in orphanages, because of their "Russian pride" - Russia for Russia...everyone else is crap...meanwhile, they destroy the lives of thousands of little kids that could have had a future or a life in western society. Great reasoning??? not!

So, America's great generation (that I hope understood/understands) that life is dangerous business and we must protect ourselves are dying off...and we are left with this "addicted society" - meaning most Americans are addicted to something, caffeine, alcohol, drugs, food, pleasure...and don't really take time to "reason through" their actions.

The point of life is boiled down to work as much as you can, make as much money as you can, so that you can enjoy your life as much as you can...without much thought others and their struggles...of eternal life and death!

But with such a blind generation...overseas and within the American borders...our "crisis of faith" lasted only 2 weeks after 9/11 - and we moved on...found hope in one of our many addictions and forgot that death is still facing us all. We should think about it a little more. I know that saying, "live like each day as if it was your last" doesn't really work on me anymore and probably doesn't work on any living soul for very long.

What should we do then? How should we live? You tell me...I'm curious to know...your thoughts...

Depression - an interesting take on it - I am not the author.

2007-08-30T15:00:00.000-07:00

Mother Teresa: My Saint of Darkness and Hope
"If I ever become a saint—I will surely be one of 'darkness,'" Mother Teresa wrote in September of 1959. "I will continually be absent from heaven—to light the light of those in darkness on earth."
Two years earlier she wrote this to Archbishop Perier of Calcutta:
There is so much contradiction in my soul.—Such deep longing for God—so deep that it is painful—a suffering continual—and yet not wanted by God—repulsed—empty—no faith—no love—no zeal.—Souls hold no attraction—Heaven means nothing—to me it looks like an empty place—the thought of it means nothing to me and yet this torturing longing for God.—Pray for me please that I keep smiling at Him in spite of everything. For I am only His—so He has ever right over me. I am perfectly happy to be nobody even to God. . . . .
As a person who battles despairing, intrusive thoughts during many of her alert (caffeinated and non-caffeinated) hours, I found great consolation in the personal writings of Mother Teresa included in a compilation entitled "Come Be My Light," edited by Brian Kolodiejchuk, M.C. And I wept many times throughout the book, mostly at her graciousness toward God in her suffering. "I want to smile even at Jesus and so hide if possible the pain and the darkness of my soul even from Him," she wrote.
I spent a week with Mother Teresa and her Sisters the winter of 1994. I stood beside her for about two hours as we distributed Christmas gifts to orphaned children. I sensed a sadness in her. But her light overshadowed it. Unlike a person wrapped in severe depression, wearing the expression of despair, she exuded light and hope. When she prayed, her deep love for God was visible, even contagious.
This saint of darkness has much to teach me about how to live with inner anguish.
First of all, I should stop referring to my depression and anxiety as the "Black Hole," (singular and capitalized), and call it, as Mother Teresa described her difficult places, the "dark holes." Because the darkness is never black, or without any light at all. Her legacy is proof that hope and faith and love prevail, even in the dark night.
And depression isn’t one place of despair with capital letters. It changes every minute we breathe, especially as we enter into deeper communion with God, even if we don’t feel that communion. It’s plural because we always get to try again, the same reason my son David’s pencils don’t have erasers. His kindergarten teacher doesn't believe in mistakes, just "happy accidents."
And, most importantly, all of our suffering can be used for the good. I’m not sure how Mother Teresa was able to regard her times of spiritual agony as the meeting place for she and God, or how she appreciated her pain in order to bring souls to God. Because when I’m in that place I can’t stop cussing him out.
I remember my own conversation with God one afternoon over a year ago. I had just flunked out of a six-week outpatient program for depression ("You are in no way ready to be discharged, but your insurance won’t cover you anymore, so goodbye"), having tried 21 different medications, plus every alternative method imaginable (acupuncture, magnets, Chinese herbs, fish oil, vitamins, craniosacral therapy, yoga), counseling, cognitive-behavioral worksheets, gratitude journals, prayer and meditation, and daily six-mile runs. The conversation, which happened while I was swmming laps, went like this:
Okay, God. I’m finally starting to accept the fact that I will live the rest of my life wanting to die. And I’ve already promised you that I won’t take my life. Since enjoyment of life is pretty much ruled out, I’m going to just devote all my time to your cause. In exchange, I’d like you to take me earlier rather than later. Deal? I was crying so hard that my goggles filled up with tears every two laps (it was better than chlorine, but still). I didn't appreciate anything about it. Even though I was wearing clear goggles in a fluorescent-lit room (equivalent to at least 15 mammoth HappyLites--the kind sitting on my desk), it was my dark night, and I'm glad Archbishop Perier wasn't around to talk to.
Because, when Mother Teresa told him about her darkness, this is what he wrote:
With regard to the feeling of loneliness, of abandonment, of not being wanted, of darkness of the soul, it is a state well known by spiritual writers and directors of conscience. This is willed by God in order to attach us to Him alone, an antidote to our external activities, and also, like temptation, a way of keeping us humble in the midst of applauses, publicity, praises, appreciation, etc. and success. To feel that we are nothing, that we can do nothing is the realization of a fact. We know it, we say it, some feel it. That is why stick to God and like the little Bernadette at the end of her last retreat wrote: God alone, God everywhere, God in everybody and in everything, God always. According to St. John of the Cross, the Carmelite mystic who composed the poem, "The Dark Night," the deepening of love is the real purpose of the dark night of the soul. The dark night helps us to love more deeply.
And Meister Eckhart once wrote, "Truly, it is in the darkness that one finds the light, so when we are in sorrow, then this light is nearest of all to us." How appropriate, then, that Mother Teresa’s writings be entitled "Come Be My Light." This saint of darkness is my light.

A Generation Died Today

2007-08-23T14:50:00.000-07:00

My last living grandparent passed away last night - In America, but Today in Ukraine! My grandfather, 83 years old died in his chair at my uncle's house where he lived most days. He just drove back from the farm where he loved to garden...and pasted on, probably from a heart-attack. (although we all knew that was coming for 2 years now).

Clem Wall Sr. was his name. I lived most of my life in shouting distance of my Grandma and Grandpa Wall. They were quite the pair. As with any family, there were ups and downs...but they past few years were pretty good, as Grandpa was generally upbeat about things. He loved his dog and his garden. We celebrated him well with many parties these past two years.

But it's over! My dad's parents passed away in the early 1990's - and now in March 2005 my Mother's mom and August 22, 2007 - her father.

There's a lot I could say about my grandparents, but mostly I am just taking note of life tonight, as a WHOLE generation of immediate family above me is gone. I know what that means...it means some very sad years ahead. The next generation is my parents and uncles and aunts. I am much more close to that generation and still need them in many ways.

After that generation...it's mine...brothers, sisters, cousins...who knows...

Dead and taxes...nothing more sure in this life. I just wish that death wasn't as sure as taxes!

That generation that is dying were the war hero's of WWII - they even tasted the Great Depression. There has never been anything close to those hard times for America since the 20's-50's. I have to admit this generation has had it pretty posh.

Even though I am a missionary and live on MUCH less than most of my family - I am still a spoiled brat American. I complain about not having Starbucks coffee over here too often, or even KFC. Can you imagine that? Complaining about not having a $5 cup of coffee...my grandparents wouldn't pay more than a dime for a cup of coffee...or they would go without or drink it at home.

My generation, with the expectation of those currently or recently serving in Iraq, have not sacrificed much or ANYTHING to have the Freedom and ability to live in the BEST COUNTRY in the WORLD! We are...spoiled brats...I am totally scared about those who were born in the 90's. They won't even get off the computer to help their parent's with using their automatic wash machines. I have the hardest time asking my 15-year-old cousin (who I drive places and buy things for) to get up and get me a coke from the Fridge...oh, it's the end of the world, and insults are commonly accepted as the price of not getting the coke myself. And he comes from a poor family!

No wonder suicides are up...when kids have a problem these days, they don't understand the suffering that life brings and can't deal.

Anyway...a generation has died before me...I honor them and their memory - but I worry even more about the future of the world, the generation above me that struggles to survive in this ever changing world...and my generation of late marriages, few kids, and tons of money!

what say you?

Levi's Genes...

2007-08-21T04:15:00.000-07:00

OK, so I randomly opened the Bible and read this...

About Levi he said: "Your Thummim and Urim belong to the man you favored. You tested him at Massah; you contended with him at the waters of Meribah.
9 He said of his father and mother, 'I have no regard for them.' He did not recognize his brothers or acknowledge his own children, but he watched over your word and guarded your covenant.
10 He teaches your precepts to Jacob and your law to Israel. He offers incense before you and whole burnt offerings on your altar.
11 Bless all his skills, O LORD, and be pleased with the work of his hands. Smite the loins of those who rise up against him; strike his foes till they rise no more."

This is Moses' blessings over the tribe of Levi. The tribe of Levi was the tribe of PRIESTS for the Jewish nation...

the foreshadowing of the Pastors of today.

There was a time that I thought maybe Pastor's should not tithe, because Israelites gave 10 percent of their goods to the "church"...i.e. the Lord's house...or the tribe of Levi. This tribe didn't own land...they lived among the other tribes and in "house's of the Lord" - and would spend their time doing what Pastors do today - preaching the Word, copying it for the future generations and doing the sacrifices required of those days (now, Jesus is our perfect sacrifice). But later I read in the Bible that the Levities themselves gave a tithe of what they got from the people, and that settled the question for me.

Have you ever wondered...why Pastor's homes...or families seem to suffer because of the ministry of the Word?

I always wondered, why carpenter's homes are never finished, why accountants sometimes have bad credit reports, and Pastor's family are so messed up.

Why are pastor's kids problems? Why is it that most of the Pastors that I know have had a divorce, or affair, or separation?

Even some, like Oral Roberts, have one of their children commit suicide.

We could say that it is the Devil...that he wants to destroy pastor's families so that God can't get the Glory. And I am sure Satan has a part in it all.

But, what about this BLESSING FROM MOSES????

Of course, Paul balances this out in the New Testament, saying that an Elder or leader or pastor in a church MUST HAVE HIS FAMILY IN ORDER, because how can one have a Church in order and NOT his own family? That does beg more questions...

But so often, and we've all heard it said, as it is the commandment of God - 1. Love God first. 2. Then family, or your neighbor...although you can't love neighbor unless you have the love of God in you first...so it does make sense. But, if we have to choose...between family or God...then, it's God! That's why the decision to be a Christian in the Muslim world is so hard, because they have to leave their families, and even sometimes their family would KILL them, if they found out they were Christians, etc.

But how many women and children would love to have their husbands/fathers SOLD OUT for Christ? How many church members demand or hope that their Pastors are SOLD OUT for the cause of Christ? There is a PASSION for GOD's WORD that consumes them! As in Moses' blessing...we sometimes "watch over the Word" to the "lack of watching over our families".

One thing I realized about life...such as with the Scientific Law (I believe Newtonian) that "no two objects can occupy the same space", when we are passionate about one thing, we lose passion for the other. It our love for ministry...and sometimes the more "thrilling it is" the more we have a passion for it...if it consumes us...we lose passion for everything else, be it entertainment, common chores, or family. I know balance is a beautiful thing, but Jesus seemed to be a little out of balance and extreme about the things of God...and well, He CHANGED THE WORLD MORE THAN ANYONE EVER HAS! His love for the Father consumed him, more than food, friends, or family. "Who is my mother and brother, he who does the will of the Father" Jesus said. (when His family came to see Him and people told Him to go out to them)

So I ask you...is it all that bad when we see the Pastor's families acting anything but Christian? It is all that bad to see a Pastor love the Word of God and ministry more than meeting his wives needs?

You know they say, "those who can't do, TEACH"! Is it that a Pastor teaches so much of the Word of God that it's too hard for him to do, or he doesn't have the time to practice it in his family life? Are Pastor's too much of teachers and not doers? As Jesus said over and over to the teachers of His day..."you teach but won't lift a hand to help another in their burden". Or was Jesus most angry with those Levities that didn't DO the Word, but only taught it?

Am I talking about two different things? Pastors who love the Word do all they can to live by it and still many have broken families. Is it because each person can make their own decision, be it; wife or children of the pastor? And the world is very tempting to all people!

Still I wonder...how much of the Moses' Blessing...that Levi (the order of the priesthood, professionally) will disregard their mother, fathers, and children...and be consumed with God's Word and duties...is the reason for some of the bad family relationships to often in Pastor's homes these days?

What say you?

The Support Questions?

2007-08-15T05:09:00.000-07:00

There is no simple answer...

Being a missionary is hard! It's living abroad, learning a different system, government, and language...and most of all, being away from all that is familiar, even done to simple tastes like Peanut Butter.

Kiev is getting more and more imports, but in many ways it is separate from Europe and by a matter of Soviet influence and past misconceptions about the West...it doesn't want to change or making life easier (or more like the West). In fact, I have noticed that they are adding more and more ignorant laws in order to make more money off of foreigners and making it more difficult for us to live here. All that is besides the point, but it's to say...it's not easy.

The support relationship with the US Church and individuals is always an uneasy balance to keep.

There's constant communication, which you don't know if you do enough of...

There's constant pressure to document and tell what's going on...

There's constant need to "ask" or keep "fund-raising"...

There's constant balance of seeing support stop and seeing new supporters come online...

There's constant knowing where you want to be and knowing where you are...and not knowing how to communicate that effectively to supporters or new potential supporters...

There's the constant pressure of "being content" with what you have, and "having enough" to do what you need to do...surviving and do the ministry.

The basic thing, or question is...do you want to try and raise funds within an Organization, that you submit control of where you do ministry and maybe what kind of ministry you do...or do you want to try and go it alone (either way, there is a struggle that most independent missionaries dislike).

Next day - (I didn't finish this yesterday)

Today, I had a 3 hour lunch meeting with Pastor Paul (Assemblies of God) missionary and pastor of my International Assembles Church or ICA.

The meeting was fruitful - as we discussed the possibilities and issues of a larger organization. I have to say for the first time I really see the benefit of jumping through hoops. (although I am currently going crazy jumping through hoops to get my wife an immigration visa to America, way too much work required for that one)...

I read the 16 fundamental Spiritual Laws or foundations to the AOG today too (http://ag.org/top/Beliefs/Statement_of_Fundamental_Truths/sft_short.cfm)
...they are not too bad - maybe I don't agree on minor details, but for the most part, they have a very solid foundation that I wouldn't mind being associated with.

The MAIN ISSUE:

For me - I have focused primarily on raising funds from individuals, because Independent Churches don't often have a "missionary budget" and go looking for missionaries...they almost don't know what to do when I call...and often giving me 5 minutes to speak doesn't really raise too much attention, although I have had some great success with 5 minute-speeches and less with 45 minute sermons sometimes.

But, since my focus has been the individual, I believe I have 3 churches supporting me currently - and they are even sometimes off-and-on with their support, to be honest.

So the majority is individual, which means I spend about $150 a month on sending out newsletters and spend a lot of time updating people...although I don't "dislike that" -it helps keep me accountable - I understand that my support goes up and down the whim, or financial abundance of an individual.

The AOG - they are primarily funded by churches, and when a church commits to you, they must do it for 4 years, and they are consistent. On top of that, if you do those first 4 years, they usually want to support you more, because they see that you are a serious missionary.

Also, there are the safe guards of a "family" with a network and with helps already in place. Such as all AOG missionaries know a certain doctor in town that they trust, or a certain car repair place, or construction worker for repair in Apartments here in Kiev.

Well, I am in the process of deciding...and the major decision is, do I want to be a "LIFER", someone who does missions as the focus of his whole life - or do I only want to do be a short-term missionary - 5 to 10 years. If it is only 5-10 years, then it doesn't make a ton of sense to go BIG ORG - because although jumping into a pastorate in the States would still be an option at any point, why jump through a million hoops when I will be leaving the "mission field" in a few. Although my quality of life and ministry might improve...it's all perspective on some level.

So, do I go BIG ORG and become a lifer - or do I stay small time struggling guy. Both still require a lot of State-side Fund-raising work...making cold-calls and getting appointments, with boards, and preaching all over the States...the work load doesn't become less...maybe more at first with the BIG ORG because they require a budget to be met, before I can live abroad...

Lord help me...it's not easy and the direction must come from you!

What would you do? What is your answer to the support question?

Sex and my theories of worship...

2007-08-15T01:02:00.000-07:00

OK, now that's a title that might need explaining...

First, I am not talking about anything crazy like "sex" being used in worship or some kind of strange orgy things.

I only want to compare the feelings, the thoughts, the work, and closeness of sex to some of those feelings, thoughts, work, and closeness in relationship to worship.

And yes, it took 31 years before I could finally write or test my theories on this subject. I am still a novice by all accounts but my eyes have been opened through the actual experience of being married.

When I was single and passionately worshipping the Lord in song...I felt (at times) so close to the Lord that I could touch Him...and that our hearts on some serious level were communicating feelings and ideas and words weren't even necessary. Other times, I thought in worship that I couldn't get closer to the Lord unless I was dead - and living only in the Spirit - and that worship must be the "equivalent" of "physical sex" in human marriage, as "worship in the Spirit and Truth" are to our Heavenly relationship/marriage. And yes, He does call us the "bride of Christ" in the Bible. Jesus is our Husband, in the spiritual sense of the word.

Now, some people might feel closer to the Lord when they are doing other spiritual disciplines...

For me - I always thought focusing all my thoughts, words, energy, time, and love on the Lord in worship was about as close as I came to Him (in the Spirit) and that taking the time to listen and speak heart-to-heart in those moments were the sweetest of times.

Some things I learned about sex...

First, communication is still necessary during the moment and communicating throughout the day is a big part of the sexual experience. It's not just some passionate moment that happens like in the movies...and everyone lives happily ever after (or as in the movies, "as the right to die soon after" - because if the main character doesn't have sex before he/she dies in action films, then what was the point of living, right? :) )

I can't treat my wife bad in communicating with her and then expect something great later on...for that matter...I wouldn't be in the "mood".

This is all because "sex" is not just a physical act (I am sure some jackals can reduce it to that...in order to be in sin and selfish) but I don't think that's the proper place for it. Sex is emotional, caring, and a sharing of love that has bloomed and grown over time. It is an outward expression of inner love - as WORSHIP is an OUTWARD expression of INNER LOVE!

You just can't help but worship the LORD if you are in love with him, as you can't help but touch your spouse if you are in love with him/her. In that sense..."making love" is natural. It is not just "Nature" to have sex...it is natural if you LOVE and have a BINDING relationship with that person.

Second, work...

I heard that sex was work...but always thought...that's the kind of work someone enjoys:) Well, it's still work either way. It take energy and time! You can't just "do-it" and move on. You need to prepare, you need to work, and you need the special time afterwards to grow closer in communication and love. I am sure that's why some people stop having it later in their relationship, they think about how much time and effort it will be, it's probably easier to just watch a movie and relax.

Worship is the same way - you must MAKE THE TIME - if you do it daily, you must prepare your instrument, or CD's/songs...then shut off the telephone, TV, and other distractions - and focus on singing to the Lord. It is more easy in this life...to again, sit and watch TV.

Also, it's just crazy to think that in worship someone "who is really focusing on the Lord" will stand the whole time, or kneel the whole time, or lift their hands the whole time. I just can't stand and worship the Lord for one hour any more - I have to sit sometimes, or pace, or something else. You have to "change positions" sometimes. You need to keep the relationship fresh in your mind and how you focus on the Lord will grant you do it in different ways. Obviously you know the overtone of sex our in those comments as well...

Finally, closeness...

The act of being close to the Lord is interesting - it is a two-way street. So often I heard that we make "worship about us" and not about the Lord. We are told that we must focus 100 percent on the Lord. After all, it's about HIM not us, right?

Well, I always had a problem with that statement. I think its about us BOTH! It's about relationship, which takes focusing on yourself and the other person/the Lord. If our emotions, our thoughts, even our rabbit-trails, are not part of the process then worship becomes not so intimate. It is a giving and receiving situation. Yes, I am giving my heart, words, and thoughts to the Lord but He is giving me His thoughts, words, heart, and feelings to. He might just speak to me for a while.

To say that the "heart of worship" is focusing only on the Lord...(which I understand the spirit behind that - they don't want you to be selfish) is not to say that "100 percent" of the time you are giving to God. You have to receive as well. You must take some time to focus on yourself. After all, it is YOUR experience with the LIVING GOD!

In sex...there are times when I ONLY focus on my wife...but when I only focus and work for her...that's when I am least excited - and that's when the experience becomes only her receiving. There are times for that...as worship is a flow - sometimes you are singing passionately and sometimes you are receiving the Lord's love for you.

However, if I take sometime to focus on ME - that's when the experience becomes better for both me and my wife. I am talking mentally here. We have to "think about ourselves" sometimes in making love...as well as, in worship. We have to tell the Lord our business...and share with Him feelings, even our negative feelings...and then I think the experience of worship is MUCH MORE ENJOYABLE for both. God hears our hearts...but we must also hear our hearts and express it's feelings. The "heart of worship" of course, isn't just a song and dance, it's our hearts being close in a way that no one can explain with words and no one else can share. It's like the close relationship with your spouse...but sometimes it is OUT OF THIS WORLD!

Heaven is going to be an amazing experience just because we are going to be so CLOSE to the LORD - and that's why the "physically closest places, the thrones beside the Lord" are the most coveted places in HEAVEN! The 24 elders in the book of Revelation are going to be the "luckiest people" in heaven. It's not only a place of honor for those who were serving the most humbly on earth, it's a place of pure ecstasy (rapturous delight)! After all, God invented sex and the male-female relationship because He saw that (like himself - three-in-one) we need to be CLOSE and not alone.

That Monday Morning Feeling?

2007-08-09T01:29:00.000-07:00

Oh man...

Why is it that if you get no sleep it feels like Monday morning? Last night, I couldn't sleep so I stayed up and wrote a blog. Going to be around 4am - I got a surprise at 8am...a fly...that took 1 hour and 30 minutes to kill by my hands (can't find a fly swatter in Kiev) - what a beautiful invention. (oh, how I love America sometimes).

As soon as I killed that fly, another came...perfect timing. 30 minutes of trying and trying...then, sleeping on and off...until 10:30am when I started getting phone calls, which leads me to this blog again...with red eyes...and a dizzy feeling.

This is the place where I am trying to look inside...and reflect on the Bible...that I have read today, or in times past...

Did you ever consider Asa? (the story can be found in 2 Chronicles 14:1-16:14) Three chapters are dedicated to him in the Bible. He is an old testament King...and so many times he was praised for doing what the Lord wanted...he followed in the footsteps of David and did what was right in the sight of God. His son did too. He won some battles by just calling on the Lord. He was king more than 40 years. Finally, in his old age...he asked some neighboring countries to help him in a battle. A prophet comes to him and says, "dude you messed up, you should have trusted in God, not in men". When the prophet said these things, Asa got bitter and put the prophet in prison. He didn't go to pray anymore and oppressed some of his people - and before he died, he was stricken with some painful disease in his feet. He still wouldn't go to the Lord for help, but only doctors. Then he died!

What do you think happened to the dude? Here's a guy that does it right all his life until the last few years before he dies. He gets bitter at the Lord.

You know...so many times I hear in the Bible that finishing the race is what is important. I look at 70-80 year olds that still love Jesus and think...man, I almost wish I was there...I know they will make it. Us younger folks, we have a long path ahead and can never let life, bitterness, or unforgiveness destroy our walk with the Lord at the end of the Day. Solomon had the same deal...the wisest person on earth, at the end of his life, went away from the Lord because his wives's lead him to worship other false gods.

The other day, I was talking the Jade, an old ORU buddy that was leading a mission team to Ukraine and Lloyd another ORU buddy that lives here as a missionary in Ukraine. We started recounting all the people from our past ORU experience that were NO LONGER following the Lord. This is only about 6-8 years away from our college experience and we can name TEAM LEADERS, CHAPLAINS, RA's, and other campus leadership that we looked up to, or served with that are now Atheists, or Deists, or bitter against the Lord and living for themselves or money, or for nothing.

The list is getting longer and longer...and it will get longer. I would have never imagined that some of these people who were so inspirational at the time...could go so far from the truth.

Those who endure to the end will be saved...(Revelation)

One person in the ministry wrote a book...he said that only 10% of the people you knew as Christians will still be Christians at the time of you death.

It was hard to imagine when I was at ORU (Oral Roberts University) that these leaders would fall, but now I understand that more will fall...the seed of faith just wasn't watered, or was choked out, or the cares of this world and the love of riches has deceived them.

You know...I have been there...at least twice in my life since I have taken Jesus extremely seriously. I have prayed and debated inside many times because I felt the Lord treated me unfairly, or didn't answer my prayers, or wasn't on my side. We just don't know how the Lord will test us, but He will...He says He will test us by fire and refine us, if we don't pass the test we will burn up.

Those Monday Morning feelings...of no sleep, despair at the long week's work ahead, and lack of energy make us want to forget prayer and worship of the Most High God.

But now is the time, today is the Day of Salvation! We must fight on, encourage our brothers and sisters, sometimes it has been a simple word from someone that stops the evil process in our hearts to despair. Truly, Christian friends and church have kept me from turning my back and helped me through many times of questions.

If you feel down on the Lord and what His prophets have told you...rethink your inks...go back to Him, don't give up...trust me...the ONLY the LONG HAUL that matters...

Asa's probably not so happy about those last few years now...Solomon either...

will you be???

The Sister Question?

2007-08-08T16:02:00.000-07:00

Some of you know her and some of you don't - some of you understand her and some of you have no idea what she is all about.

This is my younger sister...she was born in 1980. So, I think I can add it all up...she's somewhere around 27 years old now.

When we were growing up...Josh (my younger brother), and Lisa, (my younger sister in picture to the left) would hang out with me all the time. We were friends...I would have to say and they used me quite well for my ability to drive them around. As they were about 2-3 years younger before Josh got his licence to drive.

There was one year when I decided to Home school - because I wanted to take a year off of school before all life got crazy - it was my 11th grade. I was disciplined enough to actually do my home work before noon, and then I would play or work on the farm or do my business which I started in the middle of that year - a card shop in Lancaster, and later in Fennimore.

Of course, I didn't know that my two non-disciplined siblings would be joining me. Basically they didn't want to ride the bus to school and since I wasn't going that way, as I did the year before for them...they decided to stay home and play too. They studied about 5 minutes a day, maybe...

We would join at the kitchen table, as it became my duty to "teach them" and Mom would make us breakfast...basically, it would turn into about 2-3 hours of laughing, mostly they would make fun of mom all that time...(I felt bad for mom a lot during those times) or someone else in the family. I have to admit there were some funny times - but very distracting for my work, I would have to go to my room and finish it up in there.

Long story short - we had some good times. Then people started getting married!

I realized a few years ago that families like ours...that is brothers and sisters would stay really close, if it wasn't that everyone went and started their own families. The wives and husbands and kids is when relationships started getting complicated. That's why I am happy to marry Tanya and finally start my own complications:) Actually, I am quite sure everyone will adore her, maybe even more than they do me.

My oldest sister's first husband...and the divorce caused major family problems. Later, it became more complicated to "hang out" when everyone was married and had kids. But, Lisa's husband by far takes the cake (please read the "the three worst feelings in the world" for the more complete story.

In short, Gary Reed was and still is today, probably the closest thing to pure evil "genius" that I know. Only maybe, and I stress maybe, Hitler and Stalin were better at deception, control, manipulation, and greed. The only difference is that they found themselves in power...and could act on a grander scale that our infamous Gary.

In fact, he was soooooooooooooo good at deception and lying, that when he told me I stole $40,000 from him (which was IN FACT THE OPPOSITE, he stole $40,000 from me) - I almost believed him - and it was ME he stole it from. If I didn't have the credit card statements in front of me...I almost would have apologised to him and tried to send him more credit cards in the mail...he was that "good" at being EVIL! I couldn't blame other family members and cousins for believing him and Lisa when they spoke about how evil I was...because they were more convincing that angels...(of darkness).

My sister married this jackal...when she was young. She ran away to Las Vegas and married him as soon as she turned 18...to stop me and others from disagreeing with the marriage. As he was 12 years her elder, I believe. He had a few divorces and a few children...and had already stole $30,000 from my older brother. And he was so good at deception, most of us thought Jason might have stole from him those days.

The official wedding, was December 18 or 19th, 1998. September 21st, 1999 - I moved to Virginia to help start a business with them...ironically, a Christian business.

As you might know, January 20th, 2000 - Gary had a disagreement with me about the location of the new business and later that week when I was in Tulsa, called me up and kicked me out - then effective stole around $40,000 from me - it was on my credit cards.

Lisa AGREED with him 110 percent and told me where to shove it...

They enjoyed their money, took about $40,000 more from the bank in our business and bought themselves a nice new house in PA. The stories of four-wheelers and new nice cars and trucks kept flowing to my ears. The court sided with me, but when the police asked if they had any of my things...they denied it and told them I had it all. That was the end of the "justice system", not to mention that cost me $3,500 in court fees to get the police to ask that question...most expensive question of my life. And another cheep lie from them!

The story doesn't end there - it gets better. I didn't talk to them or hear from them...and they cut off most of the family because they wouldn't "disown me" and believe them. No one heard from them, unless it was, "f**k You" or something similar to my mother or sister when they would call and say, "happy birthday" to Lisa. And of course, we are all brainwashed for believing in God...a God that doesn't exist.

I saw my sister once...July 2003 - at my cousin's wedding. I, surprisingly, acted quite like a gentleman and went to shake her hand - (uncle Tom the witness) - and she wouldn't, and said, "I didn't come to see or talk to you". Many cousins that night tried to get Lisa to speak or "forgive me" - whatever that means...but she kept repeating that I stole 20 grand from her and she couldn't forgive that. I laughed so hard when I heard that, at least it wasn't 40 grand, like they said before. I later heard that "we both lost money in the business and no one stole from anyone". The good news...they went from me stealing 40 to 20 to nothing. The bad news...it's still all ONE BIG LIE...she and Gary stole $40,000 from me.

By now you are thinking...OK, this guy hasn't forgive anyone...not true...I am recounting the story only.

Let's get up to date - I believe it was sometime in September 2006 - that I got the call in Ukraine that Lisa left Gary and they were getting or got a divorce. I remember thinking, wow, 8 years with the devil's best friend must have been hard...and inside, I have never been so glad for a divorce. Gary was still so "smart" that he made Lisa feel bad for this divorce (they were fighting because she wanted to have children and Gary said as his wedding gift 8 years ago that he would reverse the surgery, but never did). Anyway, as I heard it, (this is second hand) - he made her take on the debt for the car and give him the house...later after the divorce was finalized he told her, or she found out, that he was having an affair and he moved in with her or she moved in with him. Cannot think of an individual that was so good at his job, lying and stealing!

Also, can't believe someone who was taught and raise by him would fall for it...at the very end of their relationship.

Today, Lisa is enjoying the fellowship of the family again. Without any real apology...just wanted to "forget the past 8 years" - she's moved back into the family. My older sister's boy is in the picture with her...and my older sister keeps telling me that I am to "forgive her". Even though I tell her Forgiveness is different than being best-friends with someone who stole so much from you.

My mom and dad are happy to have their daughter back, my sister is so happy to have her sister back. Lisa joined the Navy to "get away from Gary and start over".

Where does this leave me?

November 24th or so, I and my wife are suppose to stay with Lisa and the whole family for a few days at my sister house in Wisconsin.

When this crap went down in 2000 - at Thanksgiving 7 years ago I said this...and wrote a paper to the family concerning Lisa and Gary...it went like this in summary:

1. I forgive Lisa and Gary for stealing $40,000 from me, taking my dreams and business with them.

2. They can have all the money and things...it is theirs...as a gift.

3. I will not fellowship with Lisa and Gary unless they Admit their WRONG, and confess to the family and me...the truth and ask for forgiveness. Then, and only then, after a few years of them fellowshiping with the family, if my parents and confirm their sincerity, I will fellowship and break bread with them again.

Well, as you know, the first two things...are my deal. And I have done them. Although sometimes I wonder how amazingly better off I would have been with that $40,000 and great credit all these years. I did my Christian part.

Lisa has not done hers...although she is enjoying fellowship with the family - she has not apologised and so I hear...she won't. We all just need to forget the past...and move on.

The family is waiting for ME to make the first move...to accept her back and start communicating with her again. Normally, I am the guy that does that, and wouldn't have a problem with it now, except for myself and my rule 7 years ago. I was reading the Bible back then and came to the conclusion that Paul would have done about the same thing. He stopped fellowshiping with highly-self-deceived individuals. There is something spiritual and RIGHT and Lisa accepting her guilt and apologising...if she truly wants to fellowship with me.

Should I eat in the same house as Lisa? Should I talk to her? (of course, I won't be awkward or stupid) - but should I act like all is normal? What would you do? Should I finally be strong in my convictions and let her make the first move? Should I point-blank ask her to say she is sorry? Or should I just "forget about the past 8 years!"

you tell me...

The Three Worst Feelings in the World!

2007-08-08T03:05:00.000-07:00

There are many more bad feelings...than the three I am about to list, but in my short 31 year-old life...these are my least favorite. (these are in no particular order, all are equally bad)

1. Rejection - It could be rejection from a job, a boss, a parent, or any other person or relationship, even a rejection for a credit card or university feels bad.

- But, the worst in my opinion, is rejection of YOUR LOVE for someone else. If you love someone and they decide, or just don't love you back, the same way, or at all. I don't know what it is with humans, or maybe just me, but when someone rejected my love when I was younger, I never would just "WALK AWAY" or move on...and find some place else for my affection. I know some of you had this...where you loved someone, even more than your own body, and they didn't return your love. This is a seeming gross mis-justice of our world today. Honestly, I thought about it hard and almost don't want to have a kid if it means they will suffer from this pain in their hearts at some point in their lives - but it is true, they will. Anyone who lives in this world...at least for a few adult years will experience this.

The strange thing is...YOU LOVE - you give and someone else "won't or can't" receive it. What is up with that...you would think that the whole world (that seems to be in short-supply of love) would accept your love.

Now, I am not talking about crazy-stalker kind of love, where the playing field is not balanced...I am talking you are best-friends (seriously) with someone and they can't receive you love - or they don't "love you" in that way - I am talking about between a man and a woman and romantic kind of love. There were 4 major rejections in my life...where I loved a girl for years and we would have a great friendship and communication - and good times, but when I announced that "I wanted to date them" - they 'rejected' the idea quite quickly and frequently.

That is a bad feeling...I later learned that a man must RUN from this relationship and not try to remain friends because it only comes back to re-scar later in the relationship, because that mind CANNOT understand "why not?"....

Now that I am married to a GREAT GIRL - one who I don't deserve...I wonder about it all. And I often think, what if my son came to me with his thoughts or feelings about a girl that he "loved" - what would I tell him. For no matter what, if the girl rejects him...he will hurt and if he was any bit as sensitive inside as I was growing up - (he would rather drive his car off an bridge than keep feeling that) - as physical pain can't compare to inner pain - inner is much worse...I believe.

I know I wouldn't tell him what my parents told me - that's for sure. My mom was more the advice giver in love and she would say, 'just believe God' or 'keep praying' - or I know your heart wants her to love you...so go for what your heart says' - NO WAY! I spent about 12 years of my life loving one girl because of encouragement to love - and keep loving. I think I would tell my son..."let her go" - and if possible I would try to minimize his social activities with the girl...and if more possible, try to create fun things that we can do together, that could take his heart and mind off her...but that might not be enough.

The heart as a will that the mind knows nothing about!

2. Suffering from LOSS! Something gets stole from you!

I know that a life being taking from you...or a loved-one is must worse that losing some materials or money - but since I never suffered much loss of life...although I hate that feeling...I understand materials and money being taken from me much more and will speak from that experience.

I should add - usually a "DREAM" is lost when you lose some material or money and/or a relationship. The loss of that dream can equally hurt or add to the hurt.

When my sister and her husband "kick me out" of their house and our business back in January 2000 - it was all these nightmares in ONE! I had invested my credit and my money, time, dreams, and life into our business and our relationship. For two people so close to me and as it were, family, to take all....and not look back...was a major injustice and crime in this world.

Not to mention, after the court ruled in my favor, and they officially owed me $48,000 - that they never had to pay because our justice system in America doesn't really work...the stress and horrible feelings were almost unbearable.

People who don't know this kind of injustice will never understand it, I have learned, and that's why no one came to my aid or help when I needed it so bad that year in 2000. People rather wanted to stay away from me...because seriously, no body likes to be around a "depressed person" who talks about their money problems all day, right?

Anyway, for no reason other than GREED - can I understand that all was taken from me. There was NO REASON - I believe in my sister and brother in law and wanted to help them achieve their dreams. Just when the business was set up and I taught Gary Reed all that he needed to know (yes, names are not changed to protect the guilty) about the business...he kicked me out, I remember the phone call - I was in Tulsa (for one week) working on my Masters of Divinity - when he called, with my sister Lisa on the phone and said, "Your stuff is in your Blazer, and your Blazer is not here!" "If business is a marriage, then I was a divorce". "Don't bother coming back". I told him I was coming back to get my stuff and he better be at the airport to pick me up in a few days.

I remember where I ran after that phone call...I ran under a "road" in one of those bigger tunnel things where water flows through from the streets to the river there in Tulsa...and just cried out to God and cried because so much of my future was just destroyed. I knew I would never see that money and my credit (that was spotless to that point) would be destroyed.

Some people don't know the how bad they treated me - but when I got all my stuff out of there place "before the sun went down" the next day in Virginia, and I was driving back to Wisconsin to stop at my parent's house before I went to live on the living room floor of my friends Jeremy Wallace and Lloyd Hanebury - my debt went from $20,000 or $38,000. Gary and Lisa had given me back my credit cards, but while was was driving home, they placed $18,000 on them over phone orders for things for themselves and the business.

You know, I had the feeling that I should cancel them...probably a feeling from God, but I never dream, in my wildest, that Family would be so bold as to STEAL MORE FROM ME - after it was all over. The worst part is that they told me NOT to tell anyone, so that the "family" would still "be together" - and I didn't. It wasn't until I got a call from my parents asking "why I stole $40,000 from Gary and Lisa?" that I decided it was time to "defend myself". This was at the end of February. It took all of 5 minutes to for my parents to believe me...but it took 3 hours on the phone with Lisa and Gary for Mom and Dad to say that they believed them. The strangest thing is that Lisa and Gary somehow convinced themselves and a few of my cousins that I stole from them...it was the strangest defense or offense I have ever heard of.

That loss...and the future events of that loss...was one of the worst feelings someone can feel in this life...

3. Betrayal...

Seriously, does this need an explanation. My first betrayal that I thought was serious was in College when I simply asked my best friend at the time not to interfere with my relationship with the girl I loved for many years. He said, "no, I will do what I want, and I don't want you to marry her, I want my friend Caleb to marry her". He knew the inside story, that I couldn't and wouldn't pressure her to marry me...

Well, she did marry Caleb about 2 years later...he got his way, and I know it was for the better now, but at the time...I remember the walk away from him to my dormitory and how horrible I felt.

The second was from my Pastor who I loved and was working under as the Associate at the time. He probably wouldn't see it as "betrayal" and and I don't wish to hurt his name...for he since asked for forgiveness about the situation. But, I was focusing on the youth and we had grown to about 30 at that time...everything was going great. The church was having less and less adults because of my pastor's divorce proceedings and because of something else...that something else...people were saying was me! Some people put pressure on him and told him that if I didn't get going they would...better yet, these people weren't in church at the time...but said they would come back.

After I was KICKED OUT - they did come back...for a few weeks...and that's about it.

The youth felt betrayed and most of them quit. It was done to about 5-7 regulars after that...and finally, in about 1 year...no more youth group existed.

The worst part is that people where saying that "I was controlling the pastor" and they didn't want it...the pastor KNEW that wasn't true...I didn't control anything but instead of defending me...he got rid of me!

To add to it - at the board meeting...he said it was the salary, my $200 a week was the issue (and he never came and gave me any warning to what was going to happen, so it all happened in the board meeting in front of everyone) - I told them at the board meeting that I would work for free...not knowing that the "control issue" was even part of it at that time. But, no one would have it...they dismissed me, even with the offer of working for free.

Lastly, and only about 8 months after this...I got the major betrayal from Gary and Lisa...where my family stole everything from me and tried to defame my name. A person has never been more innocent and naive about things in the "real world" as me...and never has had their name, credit, and dreams all destroyed in such a short period (anyway, of people I know personally).

These three evils...or feelings...are just part of the spiritual journey that rocked my world and makes me appreciate the little good things in life (such as food, I started to gain weight from these years 1999-2000).

But, I prayed this one time, "Lord, I would rather not have gold, glory or girls, if it makes me prideful and keeps me away from your grace, because I know that only the humble can receive your grace, so keep me humble" -

The Lord certainly did that...I have no success, no good thing, no money and no family, apart from what the Lord was gracious enough to give me! AND THAT'S A FACT!!!!!

The First Time (I met Jesus)

2007-08-07T02:22:00.000-07:00

These are some photos of my as a youngster. The bottom 3 going from left to right, is 8th, 7th, and 6th grade. The top center is probably 2nd grade. I don't have 3rd, 4th, and 5th grades because I was home schooled, 3rd and 4th, and 5th grade I went to a private Christian school in Prairie Du Chien, WI. Anyway, the picture of me much smaller (with my sister and alone) is probably closer to the age that I met Jesus. All I know is that I was 6-years-old.

At the time, my parents were driving all the way (30 miles, which a big deal in the early 80's) to PDC to a Baptist church. Some of my cousin's and my Aunt and Uncle still attend that church.

Anyway, they had a Sunday School and I remember the story the teacher taught that day - about a village getting flooded and an ambulance/vans coming to take people away to safety. However, they couldn't make it to the last house...and what if you were in that last house...and that day you knew you would die in a few hours. Do you know where you would be in eternity, i.e. heaven or hell.

I was so scarred because I didn't know - and more scarred that it was HELL! Then he told about Jesus's saving grace and if I believe in HIM, I would be SAVED and saved from Hell. I believe I cried and I knew that "big boys don't cry" at that time in my life. I raised my hand and went into another room, where a lady led me in the prayer (on my knees) to receive Christ as my Savior.

I like to say, "they scarred the Hell-out-of-me that day!"

Some people when they have that experience, especially so young, they forget it or as soon as some sweet girl comes along in their teens, the Bible takes a back seat. But as they say - it took! I was hooked. I liked Jesus, God, the Bible. I felt SOOOOOOOO different inside. As they told me that now Jesus lives in my heart...I felt it and believe it, and still do today!

From that point on, I was always more sensitive, as it were, to good and evil. I knew when something was wrong and hated doing sin and felt so bad when I disobeyed even the smallest thing, like when my parents said that "rock and roll" was devil music. I felt really bad when I heard it on the radio. So bad, in fact, that in 5th grade when I drove with older cousins to my Private Christian School back in PDC, WI - and they listened to Rock-n-Roll - I told on them, even at the risk, of them all hating me. Which they did and of course, NOTHING CHANGED - the next day..."rock-n-roll" was playing all the way to school. Those were good lessons in how to not be liked and how everyone does as they wish.

Anyway, I never really did listen to rock until 16-17 when I got my own car and drove around - but I liked it sometimes and it did make me think more about having a girlfriend and I was a sucker for love songs. Anyway, I stopped listening to rock-n-roll until about 25 years old. There was about a 6 year period were I only listened to Worship Music because I wanted to spend every second worshipping God. Of course, when the bad times hit...and I got a little more mature, I figured out that only "words" in the songs are bad or good, not the music itself and if words didn't lead me farther away from God - then, even good-old Rock-n-Roll can be OK.

All that is besides the point - the point is, at an early age I fell in Love with Jesus. I would pray when I needed help and sometimes had the answers quickly. The biggest prayer I had was for a wife - that was the prayer that never seemed to be answered - and that started to really upset me the last few 5 years or so. I really don't know anyone that prayed and fasted for a wife more than me. One year, as it were, I fasted at least 70 days without food (on and off, not all at one time) for my wife. I still remained single 10 years after that year of craziness.

Well, I also spent a good amount of time praying for my immediate family to come to Christ like me or better than me...or something. There were times when all the brothers and sisters really seemed to reach out to Jesus - but none of them, at least in my judgment, took the things of God as serious. They went up and down in their relationship with God. Sometimes they even said they are not Christians or Atheists. Most have a pretty good understanding of God, but the things of this world are very appealing...as they are to all of us.

I took a lot of abuse from them (they might not feel that way) - but sometimes I just knew they were being influenced by the Devil because they usually didn't make me feel part of the family. I found more comfort and "real friends" at church. They would have sex with their boyfriends and girlfriends (some tried drugs) and drinking/smoking was a big thing for a while in some of their lives. So, little Ricky, who didn't do those things - was 1. left out and 2. made fun of - in some way - even if they just called me a "loser" or "fat" or something else, it felt like it was because I loved Jesus.

Public school too - I didn't join the crowd so the crowd would call me all kinds of names, like "father Rick" - because it was a Catholic town mostly - they all thought I was going to be a priest. They would make fun of Mary, the mother of Jesus, to insult me. They would swear a lot and try so hard to get me to swear once. I never did swear and I don't remember swearing until much later, after college. Although I have to admit, I always wanted to...just to be funny. I loved laughing and being funny...some years I was the class clown for sure. Even if it meant getting a bad grade, I wanted to make people laugh.

Basically, I felt like I DIDN'T BELONG at all - until my Christan College experience at ORU. I felt like an outsider and that I had no true friends except for Anna and Patty - two girls that were in my youth group from 14 to 18 or so - they always went to ORU and we had some great times those years driving 12 hours and talking and laughing all the way to ORU. Of course, it probably helped that for most of my childhood I liked/loved Anna. Any moment with her was a fun one, unless she was turning me down again, for the 1,000th time. I still remember the Sunday after church when I was 16 that I called her up and asked her to be my girlfriend, it was such a pressure moment and when it was over and she said "NO" - which I almost couldn't believe, I went outside and complained about it to myself while playing basketball for a long time.

So, even my best friend "rejected me" on a regular basis. This certainly did play into my personality that is today - I always want to "please" or make people happy and hate confrontation, because I like to be liked. Little did I know that 33% of people will just like you, 33% will just hate you, and 33% you can influence to like you or not. But, I always wanted 99% of people to like me - because I (at least in my heart) didn't hate anyone and felt that I could be friends with anyone.

Long story short - It takes Jesus's strength in me to tell people "NO" and to stand up for myself sometimes. But, mostly, I still appease people because I would rather be "wronged" myself than to have someone hate me. This has lead to some bad inner feelings about certain people in my life and consistently take advantage of my good nature. Especially with family, because they know that I shouldn't tell them, "get out of here" or that I hold family to be important, so even if they know they won't return the favor...they want the favor...and well, I give it because I know I should - I just wish sometimes that life was more 50/50 on the give and take.

Later, I learned that some people will always give more to me than I can give to them and there are people who I will always give more to, and so on. What goes around, comes around, but not necessarily through the same people, and often not through the same people. If it does come from the same person - they are called FRIENDS! All others...are family or people in need.

Lord, Help me today to help and give to those who might not give back and let me love those who you love, even though I am not the object of theirs.

PS - it's my wife's birthday today and we have been married ONE MONTH!

Ministers - need a relationship with Jesus!

2007-08-06T09:11:00.000-07:00

This is a recent article that I read and it reminds me of my purpose - TO KNOW CHRIST! When I was a young Christian - and full of passion - I thought, "how could any pastor NOT pray or take the time to focus on Jesus as their first priority?" - Of course, now 12 years from my most passionate time of knowing Christ - I know how it happens. I understand America's busy culture and I was hoping that Ukrainian culture would "slow me down" and make me appreciate times with Jesus more...of course, it's just as hard.

Maybe because I live in the Biggest City in Ukraine - with about 5 million other people running around all the time - and maybe it is just because I am "cultured" now...to be busy at all times! If I take a moment to pray...better yet, 1 hour to read the Bible or another spiritual book, I feel like I am wasting time that I could be helping someone, talking to someone, writing an email, doing paperwork for this or that, or even focusing on my new wife. It is strange how this life lies to us - and more so now that I am a missionary - Many times I worry that my supporters will not be happy unless I am "doing something" - not just praying, or learning. I need to MAKE A DIFFERENCE! The balance is quite hard to hold. When I miss prayer times, I can feel guilty that I didn't pray and focus on Jesus and when I am in prayer, I can feel guilty that I am not doing this or that "thing", "ministry" or "work".

Sometimes - as it shows in this article, many pastors/ministers are quiting the ministry to do other things, maybe just to stop hearing relatives saying, "just get a regular job" or feeling the pressure of "being nice" all the time and not just making money and telling people "exactly what you think" - I don't know. But there are many reasons to stop the ministry and only 1 really good one to stay in it, i.e. JESUS! You know, THE WORLD NEEDS US! THE CHURCH NEEDS US! CHRISTIANS NEED US! And we need them. All too often, we don't hear a "thank you" or "good job", but something else...like, "why are you doing this, not that?" - or some other rediculous thing. It all gets old. Sometimes it feels like the only people in the world that can't LIVE the WAY they want...and do the things they want...is Pastors. (Maybe all Christians suffer from these feelings because God's will is paramount). But, it is much easier to hold a job and make house payments than live without a home in Ukraine and try to learn Russian...sometimes understand would go a long way - and sometimes, I and other ministers, should just focus on what is important...our relationship with JESUS!!!!!!!!!

The article is below:

The goal of churches is not to convert people to Christianity. Rather the goal is to "make disciples," (Matt. 28:19 NIV). Accepting Christ as the way to God is only the beginning of a faith that also demands to make a difference. Dr. Kent Hughes, senior pastor of College Church in Wheaton, Ill., and author of numerous books about discipleship, wrote in his book, "Set Apart," that "from the onset God's plan for reaching the world has been to create a people distinct from the world who would then minister to and reach the world.

"Hughes asserts that the key to that outreach is holiness. "The holiness of God was to be the example and motivation for God's people," Hughes writes.

In principle most church leaders may understand this. But in practicality, churches struggle with discipleship. Statistical evidence of the decline of morality and the rejection of absolute truth abound, but none of this cultural shift is of primary concern to church leaders, except as it relates to spiritual teaching in the church. According to a 2005 Lifeway Christian Resources survey that asked some 1,300 evangelical leaders to rank the "Top 10 Issues Facing Today's Church," prayer in both personal and church life was the No. 1 issue, followed by discipleship, or "the need for involvement of every believer in being continually transformed into the image of Christ.

"The practical problem for churches is that spiritual disciplines don't automatically appear once a person accepts Christ.

According to Dr. Thom Rainer, "Realistically, the acquisition of these habits takes time and instruction." He writes in the Church Health Encyclopedia that healthy churches both encourage their members to practice spiritual disciplines and they help them learn how. Classes, Bible studies, Bible reading, devotion and prayer guide resources are all effective ways churches use to teach the disciplines. But seeing is often believing-even in faith communities.

Modeling

The best teaching tool for discipline appears to be modeling. According to the Church Health Encyclopedia, church leaders who exhibit a strong prayer life of their own will find church members emulating them.

How does a minister or pastor find time each day for spiritual disciplines?

According to Dr. Don Whitney, professor of biblical spirituality and author of five books on spiritual disciplines, the "over-busy" American culture makes finding quiet time difficult-especially for ministers."The two most important spiritual disciplines are the intake of the Word and prayer-and in that order," Whitney says.

Other personal disciplines are: fasting, study, simplicity, stewardship, solitude, submission and service. Then there are the corporate spiritual disciplines that are practiced within the context of a local congregation: confession, worship, teaching, celebration.

While church leaders are ultimately responsible to foster all kinds of spiritual discipline within their congregations, again, it is their own leadership in these areas that often points the way for others. Especially when there is no time, Whitney says, ministers should make time to seek God.

Whitney points time-stretched leaders to the example of Christ, who was constantly pulled by his followers and crowds, yet who frequently escaped the pressures of ministry by going off on his own to pray.

He told seminary students at Southern Baptist Theological Seminary recently that without the spiritual disciplines of meditation and prayer they would fail in ministry. He quoted H.B. London saying that 1,500 ministers leave the ministry each month. And that on average, half of seminary grads are no longer in the ministry five years after graduation.

The stress of the job, or money, sex, power and pride can lead to an exit from ministry. But Whitney says a lack of spiritual discipline is always at the root of a departure. "You are a Christian first, before you are a minister." Whitney says that even if you only have 10 minutes to spend in the Word and in prayer on a given day that this can be extremely profitable if the time is well spent. Bible reading that becomes too habitual and prayers that turn to rote recitations don't hold the power that even a shorter time of meditation can.

He says this is often what is missing from most pastors' time alone with God. Yet, he points to passages where other leaders, Joshua and David, for example, prioritized meditation. "These were big civic, military and judicial leaders, meditating day and night," Whitney points out. He says that it is in meditation that the absorption of scripture occurs, and that is what leads to transformation-to the holiness and godliness that can fill up a pastor's soul.

"You are a well and everyone in the world is a bucket. And they will drain you dry if you are not drawing from the Word," Whitney told seminarians. "Don't let the ministry keep you from Jesus."

The Sacred Heart - "le Sacre Coeur"

2007-08-06T03:40:00.000-07:00

This Theme picture...

You might be wondering what is that church in the distance of that busy city - my friends, that is Paris, France. My journeys on many mission trips to Africa where through that city, often with an 8-12 hour layover. That's enjoy time for a guy who knows a little French to venture out of the airport and downtown. That's where I met my favority church in the World! The Sacred Heart - in English - is much more quiet and less visited by foreigners, probably because you have to walk up a hill to get there - but also, Notre Dame and others are more famous.

In this church, (and I forget the year, maybe 1999) - I sat there and prayed. It was for an unusual amount of time - probably over an hour - and for many reasons I was going through one of the hardest times in my life. Little did I know that life would get much harder. As I sat there I felt the Lord tell me look up at the picture - the picture in the dome is very beautiful - sadly you can't take pictures, but I purchased a postcard of it and kept it "taped" to my desk for about 2-3 years.

In this picture there is a boy, I think or thought it might be DAVID in the Bible. He is kneeling before God's throne and Jesus - and in one hand he has the globe, or the world - I believe and either in the other is a sword or he is wearing a sword on his side. Either way, he was a warrior and offering the world to Jesus.

There was a few thoughts that went through my head - First, at this time in my life, I wanted all people to come to Christ - and I prayed for it a lot. I wanted my family, friends, and strangers to know the love of Christ as I had and to "make it to heaven" - I sometimes would pray this seemingly foolish prayer, "Lord, I would die and go to Hell if you would save the whole world" - I thought it a noble prayer and often thought it would be much better to have everyone in heaven if I could pay the price. Of course, Jesus already paid the price, but EACH person themselves must accept Jesus and believe - and live for Him, if they don't - then they recieve their reward, i.e. Hell. Some people are happy to live for themselves and go to Hell, that's just the way they think (as self-deceived as that is).

Anyway, The Lord spoke to me about that prayer that day (and yes, this journal I am going to tell that the Lord speaks to me, so often I keep that to myself, because I don't want to "use the Lord's name in vain" - as many people do when they say that He spoke to them) - But to be honest, the Lord does speak to me! The Lord spoke these words to my heart, and they are from the Bible, "For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me and for the gospel will save it. What good is it for a man to gain the whole world, yet forfeit his soul? Or what can a man give in exchange for his soul?" Mark 8:35-37

So it was "cool" that I wanted to "lose my life" to save others...and help people know the Lord, but if IN THE PROCESS I lost my own soul...well, then it is all meaningless. My SOUL, the soul of Richard T, is very important to the Lord! I know this verse has other meanings but it spoke to me that even if I offered up the whole world to God like that boy warrior in the picture, it was most important that I WAS/AM bowing before the Lord. The boy-warrior was also bowing in worship. The Lord spoke very clearly to me that the sword the Boy carried was "the WORD OF GOD, i.e. the BIBLE" and that I must carry it with me at all times.

The more important lesson that the Lord wanted to share with me that I am a worshipper! I must sing, like David did, in the Pslams, to the Lord at all times. I have never been closer to the Lord as when I sing to Him. And yes, I write songs on my guitar, random and without regard for notes and writing the songs down, I just sing and rhyme my heart out to the Lord. Sadly, and amazingly, I have not done that for a few years. And it is a sign at the coldness of my heart - which - I want to remedy, partly by using this journal to be honest with myself and my walk with the Lord.

However, if I worship the Lord and carry his Word, like a sword with me...I will be able to offer "the world" or all of the world that I can offer up to the Lord and in that He is well pleased. I can't come to the Lord with empty hands at the end of the day. I shouldn't. Most people, and I say that as regards to my negative outlook on life in general, most people that I look at are living for themselves and don't care to offer up anything to the Lord. I think we should all give the Lord a great offering at the end of our lives - FIRST, OUR SOULS! our worship, our knee, Second, the WORLD, our world, the people we know, the souls of 100's of others that we helped lead to Him. That's about all we can offer Him. But sad is that day of judgment if all we can offer is a cold heart with nothing in our hands but worthless metal and wood from our lives on earth. God isn't going to care about my 1,000 dollars in the bank when I die. He ain't going to care about how fast my computer was.

People brag to me when they get something new - a new computer, car, phone, even hair cut - but it is so rare for me ever to hear someone bragging about what God did in their lives when they helped an orphan find a home, or gave some time to speak with a depressed person. Shoot, those things are interesting...or people think they aren't. It seems the whole world is in search for money. Everyone wants to know do I have a retirement plan, do I have enough money for kids or to have kids, or how much debt do I have. Yes, it is important to plan for the future - to have money - for kids, needs, etc...but what about our SOULS?!!! What about asking the question, how is your soul? How is your relationship with Jesus? How long did you pray today? Did you plan to do something for Jesus today? How selfish were you yesterday?

Oh, man - yesterday, I didn't want to go to church - I did because my new wife really wanted to...it was a hot, 3 hour and 30 minutes service, mostly in Russian...but it was so good for my soul. I learned so much and went home and starting planning ways that My wife and I can start visiting orphanages every week, giving them medicine and holding the little HIV positive kids that don't have mothers who will care for them. It was a good day, although, it wasn't what I wanted - I wanted to relax and sleep and eat - like a dog. Do we want to be dogs? Are we just living like animals, eating, sleeping and going to the bathroom?

I wonder, and I wonder about myself first....

What is a memoir?

2007-08-06T03:34:00.000-07:00

What are some of the grand themes of your life (abandonment, coming out fear, courage, letting go)? What are the questions that you ponder when you wake up at night (or that recur in your journal) that you wish you could ask others about at potlucks or over tea? Make a list. The grand themes of your life become the grand themes of your memoir.

Because memoir, by its very nature, is only a small window into the author's life, one of the delights of writing memoir is discovering the best frame for that window. I remember an after school art class in which we were given a view finder (a black cardboard mat of about six square inches with a one-inch square hole cut in the center). We walked into the woods holding our view finders in front of our faces, looking for a view. Eventually I found a mossy root that entered and exited that small window in a way that intrigued me, and I sat down with a sketchbook to draw it. Memoir is similar. A small scope is all that's necessary. Some memoirists choose to write only about their depression, or their travels, or their cultural identity. Spiritual memoirists choose their sacred journeys. You can select a significant portion of your life, or a few years, or a single day. Regardless of the frame, some material comes into focus and other material-the majrority of the woods, in fact-is left out of the picture. And that's okay. Despite my drawing's small scope, it conveyed the lush and creeping wooded environment. Whatever cross-section of life you choose to portray reveals the essence of the whole.

The peculiar and thrilling thing about framing is how much control it gives you, and also how little. As an author you decide what appears inside the frame and what does not. If you're most interested in exploring how your family's religious traditions affected your childhood spirit, you don't have to disclose your recent divorce or ninth grade sports injury...

Although you control what is visible in your memoir and what remains hidden, ultimately the content is not your decision. The story itself has the final say and often dictates directions you would rather not go...You may find your real story isn't simple or happy. Although memoir allows many creative choices regarding what you write and how you write it, the story always holds you accountable.

Spiritual memoir demands the truth. The story of a spiritual life has a will of its own, and you write in its service!!!!!!!!!!